OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR: Not Even a Single Mention of My Infernal Glory? What Gives? By Satan
(Inspired by Cultural Correspondent on February 28, 2012)
All the buildup and excitement was for naught. The broadband cable I had installed throughout the dark reaches of Hell so my minions and the damned could watch the GOP candidates debate each other… for nothing. I thought I’d be the man of the hour, the name on everybody’s lips, the only guy that everyone hoped CNN Debate Moderator John King would ask about.
But did he ever mention my name?
You have to go back to the early 19th Century to see my name being used as a weapon against another candidate as frequently as it is today.
If my name were a registered trademark, Rick Santorum would owe me big time!
I don’t mind being interjected into politics, per se. I get sort of a vicarious thrill out of it. But when Rick Santorum said that I was specifically targeting the United States of America, I nearly spit out my brimstone biscotti.
I look at the warlords of Africa as they steal and hoard food sent by humanitarian organizations while their people die miserable, starvation-induced deaths; I look at the former Soviet Union as their Mafia fiat governs more than their legally elected representatives. All you have to do is take a look at the Middle East. Nice people, but here they are, killing each other because of the name they use to refer to “You Know Who.” (I am technically forbidden from using His name.)
With all of that said, Rick Santorum still thinks I’m targeting the United States of America for special treatment?
I haven’t actually done anything in America since placing James Brady between John Hinckley and Ronald Reagan back in 1981. Reagan had much more work to do for me, and damned if I was going to let some little piss ant with a “Taxi Driver” fixation spoil that.
Let’s put it this way: the United States is in my crosshairs but so are all peaceful, freedom loving people. The sooner I can get you all fighting each other over stupid things like the proper way to say the word “route,” the sooner my plans will be realized.
I’m probably giving away more than I should, but this is the reason I made such a point of getting Barack Obama elected in 2008. And no, it’s not for the reasons you’re thinking. He is neither evil nor Muslim nor Kenyan. He’s a good man and a fine singer.
I got him elected because I knew what it would do to my unwitting servants in the United States — they just can’t stand having a “Head-(N-word)-In-Charge.” You know these folks, the people who can spout chapter and verse from the Bible and just as easily go against the very things their Big-Guy-In-The-Sky commanded them to do during their time on Earth!
This is precisely why I invented the Tea Party.
I knew that the very presence of a black person (HNIC) in their precious White House would so infuriate my unwitting racist minions that they would go absolutely crazy and start saying the most ridiculous things.
My willing servant, Rupert Murdoch, used his worldwide conduit to your brains to help spread this message. And believe me, nothing makes me happier than to see you idiots fighting with each other over The Other Guy’s name.
But still, imagine my infernal anger after being the subject of such controversy over the last few weeks. First, New Jersey Governor Christie (he is mine!) blathers about me and Whitney Houston in the same breath! Then, Santorum even called me “the father of lies.”
Santorum just won’t get off it; consider these remarks he made in a speech back in 2008, for example:
“This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war at all. This is a spiritual war,” said Santorum. “And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country: the United States of America.”
And you can’t forget what he said about homosexuality and the Democratic Party: “Woodstock is the great American orgy. This is who the Democratic Party has become. They have become the party of Woodstock. The prey upon our most basic primal lusts, and that’s sex. And the whole abortion culture, it’s not about life. It’s about sexual freedom. That’s what it’s about. Homosexuality. It’s about sexual freedom.”
Right, because that’s how I plan to drag America and all its precious souls screaming and kicking to Hell: By making them realize that “You Know Who” created them with organs that make them feel good when they love each other, and that it doesn’t matter who you love as long as you love.
Yeah. That’s me. I’m corrupting the human race by making them all love each other.
So, my little idiot from Pennsylvania has been in the news for a week now, using my name at every opportunity, and that damn John King from CNN doesn’t even ask a single question about me during Tuesday’s debate? He doesn’t give Santorum the time or airspace to glorify me, to spread more falsehoods, to – if you will – spray his foamy, frothy jets of deception all over the faces and bed sheets of the American public?
What happens instead? He gets softball questions.
John King has displeased me.
CNN has displeased me.
Rick Santorum is my most useful tool in America and he will be heard.
- Satan, formerly known as Lucifer, is the dark lord of the underworld and creator of all pain and suffering. He also is a cribbage aficionado.
“I don’t believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute,” he said. “The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country.”