Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal

Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Those Palin supporters not swallowed up by sudden fissures in the earth’s crust remained to chant anti-Democratic slogans.

IDAHO FALLS, ID—Speaking unto an audience of anti-immigration advocates, global-warming deniers, and members of the Tea Party Nation, former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave forth utterances Monday that reportedly opened the sixth seal of the Book of the Apocalypse.

“Wow, it’s good to be here, just shootin’ the breeze with a bunch of real, hardworking Americans who love their freedom,” said Palin, her words echoing across the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium as mighty tremors caused great unrest beneath the land and the sea. “So are the little guys like you and me gonna fight these Washington insiders with their big government agenda? You betcha we are!”

And lo, there was then a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair; and the moon became as blood; and “gosh” was spoken repeatedly; and the stars of heaven fell upon the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken by a mighty wind.

And the 10th mention of “small town folk” brought forth a great belching chasm of death and dust.

These disturbances reportedly went unnoticed by the audience, however, as their thunderous applause drowned out the sound of the foretold cataclysm.

“This Tea Party movement just goes to show ya that America is ready for another revolution,” Palin said as things long ago divined came finally to pass. “Who do you think is gonna stand up for the freedoms promised by our Founding Fathers? Folks like us, or some socialist professor of constitutional law in the Oval Office?”

It was then, witnesses claim, that there was a tearing of the heavens, and the skies receded as does a scroll when it is rolled up, and anecdotes about everyday middle-class Alaskan families were enunciated in down-to-earth tones.

“That’s right, partner,” Palin said, as every mountain and island moved from its place, and flames overtook the lakes and the rivers and the seas. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Oh my Gawd! There really is something terribly dangerous about Empowering the Stupid!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s